


Don't wanna feel the pain anymore

by Tina_J2



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cutting, M/M, Self-Harm, Set during season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-26 04:38:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2638388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tina_J2/pseuds/Tina_J2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Wincest - Sam can't handle the weight of crap he and Dean are into and because he don't want to bother him, he finds a way to deal with it - he cuts himself. Sometimes there are only small scratches but sometimes marks are deep and bloody. Dean doesn't know (coz Sam is really good in hiding all of this) since one night when he's back from a bar and notices Sam lying on their bed with new marks, still with razor in his hand</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't wanna feel the pain anymore

Dean was going to die.

His brother would go to hell, for saving him, and Sam couldn’t do anything against it.

Day after day those thoughts circle inside Sam’s head.

Dean. Dead. Gone. Not by his side anymore.

The emotional pain over the to come loss suffocating.

He felt his heart clench and his stomach drop. Looking at Dean putting a burn into his eyes and he had to gasp for air.

Then there was the anger. He was useless. A failure. Not able to save what meant the most to him.

Starring into his image in the mirror. Screaming inside. Sam lashed out with a fist and the glass shattered.

Piercing pain.

And there is a piece of glass sticking out from the side of his palm. Hissing, he pulls it out, wipes the blood away with a towel and then winds it around his hand.

It hurts. But it’s so welcomed. A destruction from the emotional agony.

He learns from that.

Hurt yourself when the though of loosing Dean becomes to much.

Dean makes a joke about “ _getting all the booty he can, since there sure won’t be any in hell_ ”, leaves with a waitress, and Sam goes into the bars rest room.

Hunting knife taken out of it’s holster, he sticks it into the freshly healed scar at the side of his palm. Cut’s it open again.

At least now his has something else he can focus on.

Ruby in their room while Dean’s on a food run. Talking about saving Dean. Reminding him of how Dean is going to hell.

You can’t save him. You can’t save him. You can’t save him.

The mantra in Sam’s head when she leaves.

Three months and Dean will be dead. Gone forever.

He reaches for the knife he’s been sharping with sand-paper.

Digs the tip into his thigh. Blood is pooling around it. He digs it in deeper.

It hurts.

Good.

With a swift move of his hand holding the knife, he leaves a deep gash in his thigh.

Cleans and bandages it later.

Digs his fingers into it to make it hurt every time he is around Dean for the next few days.

It helps keep the thoughts away of how soon he won’t be around Dean anymore.

Christmas and Sam gets something he thought lost.

A kiss. They make love. Dean whispers sweet nothings into his ear.

Sam wakes up, panicked. Gasping for air. Dean still deep in sleep resting beside him.

His eyes burn, there are tears. Now there is even more that Sam is going to loose.

Out of the bed and into the bathroom, trusted knife in his hand.

Cut. Cut. Cut.

This time it’s the side of his torso.

“ _Sammy?_ ”

Sam turns around, stares at his brother, feels the warm blood running down his side.

Dean is suddenly there. Strong arms around Sam..

And he cries. Sobs. Clutching his brother. Needing Dean close.

A few months left and Dean will be gone.


End file.
